Vonnaver's sixth entry

Nineteenth entry

I had barely set my pen down when an idea came to me, I remember writing about the sewers in a previous entry.  And between Corvin and I, we should be able to remember the direction we took.  I have a suspicion that his mind is better able to remember ground cartography.  What I remember is that it led from the Mudflats to the FieldWard and that the passage was hidden.  When I asked him if he remembered, he nodded.  This pleased me, we now had a plan that should minimize exposure.  The main challenge would be to get Fala and Ziraj to the left most gate of the FieldWard without notice.  Once inside and in proper disguise, we will make our way to the entrance of the sewer.  I can only hope everything goes to plan, but life has taught me that it’s never a straight line.  Knowing that, we made other plans, unfortunately all of them increased chances of exposure.  Again I find myself wondering if I’m doing the right thing...Letting this Zhentarim agent go free.  Will he be like the others who take advantage of second chances, I still remember what happened the last time I let a Zhentarim go.  If I had just listened to the voice telling me...Yet it was that same voice that took vengeance on her already dead body.  It is a darkness I did not think my race was capable of, or have I really changed as much as they say I have.  Even the gods said I was dark, my heart no longer saw light except that of burning, searing fire in the depths of a place I dare not say.  No, I cannot be her or the Mystra the world knew.  I am free, even when I learn more about my past and what I really did I must not-will not change.  This is my third chance at life, I want to do it right.  So why then do these thoughts still cloud my mind?....

Once all our plans were settled, we left.  

It was colder than I remember winters ever being...I wonder if there is a craftsman or seamstress who makes feather clocks.  At least that way I might have some measure of familiar comfort.  Fur as warm as it can be, just isn’t me.  

Despite my bones telling me to go home, we pushed through and made it to the North-East gate of the FieldWard.  However this is where plans began to disassemble.  The guards took notices of Fala, which is understandable.  She is an honest woman, the very kind I fight for so they can live normal happy lives without all this trickery and lies.  To keep their lives as peaceful as possible and never let the evil take advantage of the just or else the good might stoop to a darkness that no life should know.  “Left unguarded, the good of heart will fall if they are left alone with wolves.”  Something I remembered from my youth, it was the same young male Taiven I mentioned once.

I was able to convince the guards that she was nervous for a business meeting and is new to it all.  When they asked who we were, I gave them my real name.  I have scolded myself from that moment, I can only hope they will never connect the half orc I betrayed myself as to the real me.  I’ve tormented myself enough over this and refuse to make a full account of it, I’ve lived it over in my head and need it not in ink.  

(Make note in my record and accounting books, I now own Fala’s herbalist shop and all that entails.)  I’m not sure what failed, we had only walked a short distance after they let us through, before they were chasing us.  We ran for an alley nearby, I came up with a plan and executed it.  I told her to run, as I stayed behind to slow them.  I admit my plan was not all that bright, I stopped the spell on me and fell to the ground.  It felt like something one of the others would have done, both in my old group and this one.  To play that part was humbling, and yet those I have travailed with would do it without hesitation.  

For someone of my age and supposed skill, I see I know little.  For even those decades younger than I, are not afraid to do whatever it takes to save another.  Are all Taivens so superior in themselves that they are incapable of learning?  Does that mean it is true of me, can I never learn what it is that drives them to such feats?  “Duty, loyalty…” are words that were drilled into me even when my memory was gone.  Yet that is not why they fight nor how they live.  Why does Corvin fight, Collette or even Flint?  Something drives them and it is no god...  

I delayed most of the guards, one however ran past me.  I did not see what happened after that nor what the others were doing, but when I met up with them I found Corvin had things under control in his usual manner.  Without doubt I am certain he was the one the guards were looking for, I haven’t verified the story nor do I have time to.  But the title “Rouge magic user” sounded like him.  We made our way to the sewer and then to the Mudflats.  We left them there and encouraged them to stay at the Mudflats or in the sewer entrances for a few hours and wait for the guards high alert to quit down.  We left them and each headed back to TollSkull manner & Inn separately.  

I’ve heard of snow madness a few times in my life, and I hope it’s just a play of the light and not of my mind.  Yet I can’t help but feel I saw something from the corner of my eye once I arrived back, a shadow seemed to loom in an alley nearby.  Nothing was there and honestly who would want to be out in this weather, I’m happy to be home where the fire dwells.  I only have a few hours to prepare for the Gala, getting ready will not take me long.  It never does.  I must find something between now and then to stave off these thoughts that roam so openly in me.  Or at least a way to hide them from others.  Did I do the right thing by letting the Zhentarim go?  Can I ever learn why mortals fight if it is not a god telling them too?  And can I ever stop being such a superior Taiven?