Antonio's Journal Entry #2: In which he is upset by breakfast.

This entry was written in the morning before the company left to go to The Cutless, and therefore does not contain those events that unfolded in regards to Jasper the Huntsman. Said events will be added at a later date to this entry in the event Antonio lives to the end of the day and can write about them.

Fool that I am! To think Guile could actually have feelings for me! How could I have been so foolish as to let the thought even enter my mind. If she does have feelings, it is only of hate!

For no reason at breakfast this morning, she made a rather rude remark about me only talking to pretty faces, by which I assume she meant Helen. Perhaps she was jealous and felt slighted. True, I may have been avoiding her this morning, but it was only because I thought she was angry or upset with me when she demanded I leave her room last evening. I thought it would be prudent to give her some space. If she had wanted to speak to me, she could have approached me instead of resorting to rude remarks. When I confronted her about it, she made it clear that she was not speaking to me.

I can usually coup with the unkind remarks the others make about me, and there are many from this group. I am not really sure what it is about me that warrants such behavior, but I do my best to shrug it off. It is different from growing up. No one would dare say anything unkind to my face. I know that most of the time, they do not really mean what they say, and I have come to look at it as a sign of affection. They clearly feel comfortable enough around me to jest. 

What I found genuinely hurtful came from someone unexpected--Salin. In the past, there has been harmless teasing from him, but I have always considered him a friend. After all, being the only men in the party, we have to stick together. So, imagine my surprise when I see him come out on deck, dressed similarly as a “mini Antonio,” and mocking me. Guile had helped him with the disguise, and she stood by laughing as Salin joked about saving “damsels in distress.” I could find no words to say or even muster a smile to pretend as though I thought it amusing. 

Is that what they really think of me? They think me silly for caring about people and wanting to help? 

I know I can come across a certain way, but I am really working to change myself and become a better man. 

I had been forming plans to get Guile some help, for clearly, she needed it last night when she started talking to herself as a madman does. But if I am seen as the fool for caring and helping, then why should I even bother?

Nevertheless, I will not let myself be swayed by her ill-will towards me, and I will continue in my efforts to find a good physician. Though, I will go about any further ventures with a little less talk about “damsels in distress.”

Hopefully, the rest of this day will go better than this morning.